Wayward blogger

I've been back for a week now but until today have not found the time to write. I returned home to 100+ work emails, several mini crises (and a lot less tolerance for coping with them) and the news that the venue that I had secured to show the PAN annual forum , this year a web cast, did not have wireless as I had been promised. So, I was off to find another location while chastising myself for not following my gut feeling of looking at the space before leaving for vacation and distributing flyers. Lesson learned and a new location secured.

Bonaire was wonderfully warm and relaxing and left me with no interest in the new snow we received yesterday. I have noticed that as relaxed, rested and well fed as I was on vacation I could not leave everything behind, at least not 100%. The PD follows me everywhere, whether invited or not, I can never escape it entirely. My medication schedule must be followed, no matter where in the world I find myself and errant symptoms continue to arise as if to remind me not to fool myself into thinking I'm a normal healthy person. For example, we toured the national park one day, stopping at a beautiful sandy beach, secluded and somewhat hard to reach. The water was accessible and it was a great snorkeling location. But, no sooner had I gotten in the water with my fins and mask that I began to experience a panic attack, my chest tightened and I felt as if I couldn't breathe. I headed for shore and ripped off my mask and snorkel as if my life depended upon it, then I was sorry that I hadn't been able to enjoy the huge and brightly colored parrot fish that was swimming so close to shore. I wanted to test the waters again (sorry for the pun, I only noticed after I'd published this entry!) but instead sat on the beach and rested in the sun. The chest tightness is something that bothers me regularly and I've been examined and had a stress test but no signs of heart trouble were found; I've decided it's muscular and related to PD but I have no confirmation of that and there's not much in the literature to suggest that as a symptom, however I have visited chat sites and blogs where PD patients complain of similar pains.

How does one know when to slow down, when to give up doing things that are practical but not enjoyable, how do I know when I've reached the point in the hike where you can relax because finally you can see the summit ahead, there's no need to push yourself any longer, it's time to enjoy the last stretch. Look at the scenery, experience the breeze on your face, let go of all worries and open up your heart. I have a favorite song, by Kris Delmhorst called Everything is Music. It is adapted from a Rumi poem and one of my favorite lines is Why do you stay in jail when the door is wide open? Let the beauty that you love be what you do. Why indeed?