Tulip designed by Karen Painter

Friday, October 8, 2010

I'm back

It has been a very long month, one of those rare times when time seems to stretch out and minutes feel excruciatingly like hours. I reached a breaking point at work, my medications were taking me on a roller coaster ride, symptoms were predictably unpredictable, I couldn't make it through the morning much less the entire day, I began to forget things and lose emails that I was sure I had sent. At the same time, I was making appointments to travel to meet with customers and I was skeptical and downright fearful that I wouldn't be able to cope with any kind of scheduled meeting, presentation, etc. I just never knew when I would feel alert enough to conduct a conversation, negotiate contract pricing or problem solve and the uncertainty was creating intense stress for me. Though I had been assured verbally that my physical difficulties would be 'accommodated', in fact, those accommodations were not in practice honored. After breaking down in tears at the office one day I realized it was time to take a break and take care of myself. I needed to re-order my priorities and put health at the top of the list. My doctor signed off on a month's medical leave and I am happy to be reporting that, after 2 1/2 weeks, I am feeling considerably better. The first few days were very hard for me and I felt very depressed. I felt that I was "giving up" and faced with a day of unscheduled time I was just paralyzed with how to move forward, what to do, how to spend my time. I've decided not to worry about it and focus on two central needs - adequate sleep and daily exercise. I've managed both - I haven't sleep so soundly or long in several years and I've been doing a variety of exercises including long walks now that the weather is gorgeous, Tai Chi classes and forced high intensity cycling at the gym. Some days I can only manage to get to the gym and do one other activity before I have to rest. That's OK. I've baked bread and made a delicious pot of lentil soup; I made my son a birthday cake from scratch (it wasn't the most beautiful cake!); I've planted tulip bulbs; had lunch with friends; read several books; started therapy; and applied for disability which itself takes hours. I have some writing I want to do and my jewelry supplies and tools are begging me to pick them up again. I'm not sure where this will lead but I have a feeling that I will not be returning to work. I now see that I waited too long and pushed myself too hard, I really am not capable physically of working a full day. I am not one for leaving a situation without a good effort, and I often hang around long after my exit is due. I need to know that I did everything that I could. In this case I think I did.

For anyone out there considering applying for disability there is a good checklist for tracking your Parkinson's symptoms and helping your doctor document them. Go to the PAN website and download the Parkinson's Disease Work-Related Disability Assessment Form.