I have been a negligent, albeit busy, blogger. I've been hit by a bout of anxiety, free floating and seemingly baseless. Yes, I'm busy and have some events looming on the horizon for which I need to plan, but none that warrant this feeling of barely contained panic. I know that to blame every physical symptom on my PD is not accurate, however it does seem that there is a long list of potential symptoms listed on almost all descriptions that I've read of the disease. And, anxiety is one, usually linked with depression. Coupled with the anxiety that I've been experiencing is the inability to stay focused on a task for very long, which has effectively eliminated my reading habit, the number of books that I've read in the past year bears no resemblance to former years. I always had several books in process stacked in a helter skelter manner on the floor or the night table next to my bed, and I was never without the next good book waiting in the wings. I can barely remember the last book that I read and have no plans to find a new one. I have a similar problem with writing, which I used to do much more regularly. Now I'm plagued with a major word retrieval problem, which makes it hard to finish a sentence and sends me into spasms of frustration. Another PD symptom?
If there is anyone out there reading this blog, please comment on whether you have had experience with applying for disability for symptoms of PD. How does one know that it's time to stop working or to apply? It seems to be as much an emotional adjustment and lifestyle change as it is a physical decision. I was just informed that I will need to travel more often for my job. How can I do that? I never know how much energy I will have on a day to day basis, some days are good and some are awful. Sometimes my meds seem to forget to kick in, and I'm dragging all day. At the very least I will have to take the travel slower and build in an extra night at a hotel for example, I can't do the one day trips to NYC, leaving at 6am, attending meetings all day and arriving home at 10pm. There is no way I have the stamina for that anymore. Can I still work? Yes, but not the way I used to; I have to start earlier, take more frequent breaks (nap if I'm home), and schedule fewer appointments because my voice gets very tired and weak, my fingers no longer can navigate the keyboard, and sometimes I have trouble remembering what it is I was going to say or how to explain something, all of which is embarrassing when speaking to a group. I need to exercise frequently but often don't have the energy to work and exercise both in the same day. How should I set my priorities? Shouldn't health take first place? I have told my employer and they have made accommodations for me, allowing me to work at home for example. But, every day is a challenge, even when I work at home, because I never know what's in store for me in terms of energy or mental clarity. I guess this will evolve and I'll know what to do and when to move on but I don't want to wait until I'm so far along that I can't enjoy what's left with my life. A 4 room hut on a beach looking out at turquoise waters of a gentle bay beckons. I might have to go and find it.
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I went thru the disablility process 4 years ago when I knew the stress of a job made my health secondary and that needed changing. I am still extremely active, but I now have the time to really take care of myself.
ReplyDeleteThank you for commenting! I still struggle with what to do, but I am getting closer to accepting that I cannot continue the pace that I currently try to maintain. I am exhausted, depressed and my symptoms just get worse as the stress increases. I am afraid, though, of giving up my income and not having the structure of work to keep me busy, and really I'm not sure what is making me so fearful...
ReplyDeleteIt is absolutely true that stress make symptoms more pronounced. I find that hard, physical work does the same thing, but that's more about depleting dopamine than wigging out and worrying. Fortunately, many years ago I decided not to worry about things I can't control and I've gotten much better about applying that philosophy, although it does not always work. That's why I told people when I found out I had PD. It made me much more relaxed if they knew why I was having trouble and stress dissolved because I could be myself.
ReplyDeleteUnless you have few interests outside of work, I think you'll discover there are not enough hours in the day to do the things you want to do and to do those things that are also less fun.
Have you been in any clinical studies?